PZO: How did you react the first time you heard one of your songs on the radio?
Kelly: I went, “uhhhh....cool.”
PZO: No big celebration or anything like that?
Kelly: Nope.

PZO: If you could have your own 1-800 number what would it be?
Kelly: 1-800-GAY-FOR-THE-BASS-GUITAR

PZO: Out of all the tours you’ve done, which has been the most memorable to you and why?
Kelly: Probably Europe with the Bloodhound Gang. It’s the most memorable because it was my first time in a lot of those countries. We went all the way to Eastern Europe. It was the longest one, too. It was almost 2 months in Europe, and it was just like too much. So that’s the most memorable.

PZO: Did you ever think you’d be where you are today?
Kelly: Yes. Actually, I thought I’d be further if you wanna know the facts. Nah, I thought...well, yeah, this is always what I wanted to do.

PZO: You guys just put out a new album, Open Your Eyes; did you do anything special on that day to celebrate?
Kelly: No, we were in Canada. We seem to be in Canada whenever something goes on. Like Fourth of July-Canada. Last year for the Fourth of July-Switzerland. Um, no, I mean, no we didn’t. We were just like, “Alright, tour!”

PZO: Is there a band that you wish would just call it quits?
Kelly: A band that I wish would call it quits? Ooh, you know, that’s a tough one ‘cause there’s a lot of bands that I wish would call it quits, but I don’t wanna point any fingers at anyone. Not a lot, but there’s a few. Well, no, not really. I mean, if I don’t like something I just ignore it and look the other direction or turn the channel...or turn the station. Yeah, maybe, I think probably, and I don’t think it’s gonna be an option, I think they’re gonna have to call it quits, but I think Limp Bizkit. After Monkey-Boy quit....uh, Wes, I don’t think they’re gonna have...’cause he wrote a lot of their music. But if they quit or they don’t, I don’t really care. They’re just shit I’m tired of hearing on the radio. But I can’t really blame those bands because if it were me I would want to be on the radio all the time too, probably. So there’d be dudes like me sitting around going “shut the fuck up!” <laughter> So probably no. I mean, everyone’s got their fair shot. There are certain people in the industry I wish would call it quits, but whatever.

PZO: How many tattoos do all of you guys have put together?
Kelly: Too many to list. Well, just me, John, and Darrin, ‘cause Brian doesn’t have any, so...a lot.

PZO: If you could pick any band to cover one of your songs, which band and song would you pick?
Kelly: Ooh, that’s a good question. Any band to cover....what song would I pick...I would say “Here in Your Bedroom” and I would pick Slayer.
PZO: Are you a big fan?
Kelly: Nah, I just think it would be funny if Slayer covered one of our tunes.

PZO: How much control do you have over what your merchandise looks like?
Kelly: We have total control over it.
PZO: So you design everything?
Kelly: Well, we have somebody design it, but we have ideas and we try to like, I don’t know I think we’re still constantly trying to make our merch better. But you can’t do the same thing ‘cause everybody’s like, “I got that already, so I’m gonna buy this other band’s stuff.” So yeah, we have control over that. Whether it’s good or not is a whole other story. <laughs>

PZO: What’s the coolest perk about being in a band?
Kelly: Not having a boss standing over me, telling me what to do. I can pretty much...we make our own hours. I would say probably that, just not having somebody breathing down our throats telling us what to do. We can just be like, “We don’t wanna play that town.” Which we don’t do that, but I mean, if we wanted to we could like sleep in as late as we want. There’s a lot of perks actually. Girls think I’m attractive ‘cause they see me up on stage shakin’ my thang.
PZO: <laughs>
Kelly: That’s kinda funny, but I would say not having a boss.

PZO: Darrin’s Coconut Ass...who came up with the name for that?
Kelly: The original bass player, Simon, wanted to call one of the records Darrin’s Coconut Ass. He split the band, but he came up with that and he just thought that Darrin has a huge fuckin’ hairy ass and we think it’s funny, so...

PZO: What’s one of the most embarrassing things that has happened to you while you were onstage?
Kelly: Ooh, to me, probably I was gonna do some little bass solo thing back in the day. They were like, “Do a bass solo, dude.” Oh, I had to do an intro for some thing. <starts pretending he’s playing his bass> It was some fucking Destiny’s Child song. Then I was playing the bass part and my fucking foot pedal broke, and there was no sound coming out. I’m like, alright, I look like a total asshole. So that was probably it. Although, somebody puked onstage the other night in Lawrence, Kansas all over two of our roadies; that was pretty funny. But I didn’t see it. It smelled like shit though. It smelled putrid.

PZO: Do you have any bad jokes that you’d like to share?
Kelly: Any bad jokes...what’s the difference between a drummer and a pig?
PZO: I don’t know.
Kelly: A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a drummer.
PZO: Anymore?
Kelly: Did you hear the one about the bass player that locked his keys in the car?
PZO: Nope.
Kelly: It took him twenty minutes to get the drummer out.

PZO: If you had a choice, what time in history would you like to live in?
Kelly: Oh wow. I probably, maybe, late sixties, which I did live then anyway, but I don’t remember it. Oh, fuck, you know, probably now or in the sixties, like being this age, probably the sixties or seventies because a lot of the musical instruments were pretty rad back then. I’d like to just go back and buy up all these guitars for really cheap and then go in the future and have this rad collection of awesome instruments that would be worth like, five hundred thousand times what they were worth then. Like a 59 LesPaul. Like when they first started inventing instruments, I’d like to go back around then and just collect a bunch of them and just hang on to them.
PZO: And sell them later?
Kelly: Maybe. Or I’d just hang on to them for a while.

PZO: Do you ever pull any pranks on the bands that you’re touring with?
Kelly: Yeah, sometimes we do. Like at the end of the tours, like if it’s the last day of the tour, what did we do...we dressed up in lingerie and drag one time and walked out onstage. Actually, it was during Mest’s set. And I actually put on a wig and wrote Soy Bomb on my stomach like that guy that walked out when Bob Dylan was doing his thing at like, some music awards.
PZO: I don’t think I ever heard about that.
Kelly: Ah, well, I don’t know, just goofy stuff like that. Nothing like, super. I don’t like messing with people’s gear ‘cause if they’d mess with my gear then I’d want to fuck them up. So it’s usually goofy, embarrassing stuff like that. Go out in like, underwear or a diaper or something like that.

PZO: When you’re in the studio, how much control do you have over the finished product?
Kelly: I’d say about 95 % of it. The label’s got some say in like particular songs, but we have probably 95 % control on this record. So if it sucks, it’s our fault! <laughs>

PZO: Are there any fairly unknown bands you think other people should check out?
Kelly: Um, you know, I don’t really go out to clubs when I’m at home because I do this every night. So the last thing I want to do is go and ruin my ears even more in a packed, smoky club. Um, I don’t know, John’s always working with some bands, but I don’t get paid enough to plug his bands, so. There’s this one band, The Used. I don’t know, you know I gotta go check some unknown bands out. Honestly, I haven’t had a chance to because you’re in town, and then boom, you’re gone. I really don’t get to.

PZO: If you could pass a law, what would it be?
Kelly: Legalize pot.
PZO: That’s it? Nothing else?
Kelly: Well, just one law in the states, or universally?
PZO: Yeah, one in the states.
Kelly: Well, it would be a toss-up. I would do one that would make handguns illegal. You could have a rifle, but you can’t have a handgun. Handguns are illegal. And pot is legal. Is that hippie-dippie enough for ya?
PZO: <laughs> Yeah.

PZO: Which decade do you think had the best music?
Kelly: Fuck. I don’t know, every decade’s had really great music. I just enjoyed the seventies, ‘cause a lot of the original punk rock stuff came out. You know, The Ramones and Blondie. The Stooges, which is actually from the late sixties and early seventies. David Bowie. Aerosmoth, like old, rad Aerosmith. That’s when all those bands were really good. Curtis Mayfield. Even late sixties and early seventies, Sly and the Family Stone, The Who, The Sex Pistols. All that English stuff the came, The Clash, too many bands to really...I just thought it was a cooler, crazier time. It was before AIDS, you know, and it wasn’t quite so uptight.

PZO: Do you prefer the larger or smaller venues?
Kelly: You know, I like them both. It depends on...well, both of them are equally cool. I like the big ones because you feel like you’re reaching a lot of people and there’s more energy to draw from. But I like the small ones too because the crowd’s right in your face and you totally interact with them. That’s just like a mood thing, like what are you gonna listen to today, country or jazz, know what I mean? That’s what I think.

PZO: Is there a city you guys like playing in more than others?
Kelly: Probably Chicago. Chicago we do really good, New York we do really good, London. London’s rad, I love playing London. Um, and then there’s the L.A., Orange County, Anaheim stuff that I like doing too. But probably Chicago, New York, London, those are the three big ones. I’d like to say L.A., but we’ve really never played. We always play like Anaheim, outside of it, ‘cause that’s where all the kids come from, the suburbs, to see us anyways. It’s not like the Hollywood people could give a fucking rat’s ass about us, you know what I mean? They’re too busy doing their own thing.