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members present:
Ryan Eldred
Pat Calpin

conducted on:
November 2003
by: Nevra Azerkan
official website
shout-out to PZO


PZO: As a band, what are your best qualities?
Ryan: Our best qualities? We're hot. Ian can drink a lot. Ian can drink a whole lot and Chris Greer our drummer is an animal. I think. Of course--<chuckles> I'm going to stop being an idiot. I think we are genuinely nice guys. We're assholes to each other.
PZO_Friend: They don't count.
Ryan: Yeah, we don't count.

PZO: What was the last meaningful thing you did?
Ryan: Meaningful? I'm to shallow for these questions.
PZO_Friend: Too shallow to go deep?
Ryan: <to Pat>Are you going to talk on the phone while I do this interview?
Pat: Oh, sorry. <gets up and leaves>
Ryan: See the power I have? Anyways, last meaningful think I did?
PZO: Yes.
Ryan: Umm…meaningful for myself or somebody else?
<ponders the question>
PZO: In general.
PZO_Friend: Give him some help.
PZO: If it's meaningful to you then it works.
Ryan: Meaningful to me.
PZO_Friend: Give him an example.
Ryan: No, you don't have to give me an example.
PZO: You want one?
<Pat comes back>
Ryan: <silence> Yeah, let me hear yours.
PZO: Well, it may not be meaningful to you.
Ryan: That's okay.
PZO: No, not anymore.
Ryan: See you don't even have one.
PZO: You didn't want to hear it before.
Ryan: Fine. Last thing I put my heart to was this record. It was meaningful to my band and it was meaningful to me that everybody did the same.

PZO: What's a lyric in one of your songs that's misunderstood?
Ryan: These questions are hard.
PZO: This is a quiz you guys.
Pat: How about on the last record the trilogy of killing?
Ryan: I think it's pretty obvious that that's fiction. But an interesting fact: on our last album there was a trilogy that was not advertised as a trilogy on the album and uhh and it's about a girl that I knew who's father was uh I can't really...was you know…disrespectful to her. And I kind of wrote a song about that and how angry it made me. It ended up being--Jeff and I ultimately ended up going crazy with the whole idea and making a whole story about it into three songs. I don't really think people quite get some of the three songs like the latter two. The order of the songs: What Goes Around Comes Around, the second one is Bloomfield Avenue and the third one is Never Ending Story. I think Never Ending Story is pretty misconstrued. People really don't know what it's about. It's a wrap up. Next question.

PZO: What is the most memorable bumper sticker that you have seen?
Ryan: <To Pat> You got this one?
Pat: Uhhhh no. How about "Visualize World Peas." You guys ever see that one? Like visualize world peas. It's supposed to be like "visualize world peace" because there's one that says visualize world peace, but its replacing it with visualize world PEAS.
Ryan: I saw one that had a fly swatter on it and it said "Bush Wacker." That was hilarious. <evil giggle>

PZO: What event in your life had the greatest impact on you?
Ryan: Ohh, I don't know.
Pat: I had cancer.
Ryan: Yeah he did. He has a missing kidney. He only has one kidney.
<PZO disbelief>
Ryan: Show them the scar!! Show them the scar!!
<Pat pulls up his shirt…shocked faces>
Pat: They all look away…
PZO: No, that's hardcore.
Pat: You asked, hey. I almost died. They were going to write a tribute album and everything.
Ryan: What were you, two? One?
Pat: I was three. So, I wasn't in the band yet.

PZO: What are you most proud of on your new album?
Pat: The guitar parts <laughs>
Ryan: I'm most proud that we really set out to put out an album that we wanted to hear. And put a lot of our influences in what we listen to at the time into it and didn't give into the pressure of writing another Keasbey Nights to please the crowd and really went with what we felt. That's what I'm most proud of. Were proud of how it sounds--the production. Steve Evans the producer was really excellent.
PZO: He's done a lot of good stuff.
Ryan: Yeah. Lifetime, Saves the Day. He's a really good producer.

PZO: In sixty seconds tell the world why they should go buy your album.
Ryan: 60 seconds? Go? Well I just went on about why it's so good. Double question!
Pat: We worked really hard on it.
Ryan: It's a good record. We worked really hard on it. I think that the chord progressions are really nice and interesting to musicians. I think you can…you can really get into the lyrics on the album; some of them are fun, some of them are serious, and some of them are sad about rocky relationships and drinking and stagnant nature of today's political world put in objectively.
Pat: Your sixty seconds are up now.
Ryan: Yeah, the sixty seconds are over!!
PZO: Yeah, I think so too.
Ryan: <laughs> You were disappointed with that weren't you.
PZO: No, it was okay.

<Cookies are being distributed. Cookie discussion goes on for a few minutes>

PZO: If you could have a 1-800 number, what would it be?
Ryan: 1-800 I Luv Men
Pat: 1-800 Bong Hit-Hit.
Ryan: Yeah, man!
Pat: We like weed. Nah, I was just kidding.

PZO: What is the worst insult or would be insult you've heard or used?
Ryan: I prefer douche nugget.
Pat: Yeah, douche bag, douche nugget.
Ryan: Anything, douche. We're from around Jersey, so douche is pretty fucking hardcore, you know?
Pat: Or bag, douche bag, shit bag, your bag.
Ryan: Or if you want to be quick about it, say, "DB". Double D. You know. Douche is my favorite.

PZO: What's your favorite curse word?
Pat: Douche.
Ryan: That's not a curse word, man.
Pat: I like fuck.
Ryan: <laughs> That was good.
Pat: Fucking.
Ryan: You said that with conviction.
Pat: Fucker.
Ryan: Fuck is pretty good. Even when I'm using a different one like: cunt. That's a good one. It's alright. You know you want to say fucking cunt. So you always say fucking before. Fucking is a great adjective.

PZO: What band or singer do you wish would stop making music?
Pat: A lot of them.
PZO: Start naming them.
Pat: We were talking about the band, Hole.
PZO: Newsflash, they already stopped making music.
Pat: Oh, well I don't like Courtney Love.
<Ryan starts singing>
Pat: Creed.
Ryan: Hoobastank.

PZO: What is one thing you would not do no matter how much money you were offered?
Pat: Eat shit.
Ryan: Yeah, right. Fucking shit taster. You would too. For two million dollars you wouldn't take a taste of my log?
Pat: Maybe five million.
PZO: No amount of money. Like kill someone.
Ryan: I wouldn't kill anyone. I definitely wouldn't kill my mother. That's horrible.
Pat: I like my mother. What kind of questions are these?
Ryan: They make you think really hard…Okay, I'd never put a baseball bat in my asshole!
PZO: Then you're not a good candidate for Jackass.
Ryan: What?
PZO: Nothing.

PZO: Being in a band for so many years, looking back is there anything you would change?
Pat: Yeah, there's a lot of things I'd change. Like not having people quit. That's one thing. I'd like to have toured in a plane or a bus and not a shitty van. The awful conditions we had.
PZO: Like spooning each other?
Pat: We spooned all the time! Pigs in a blanket. All the games we played.
Ryan: He's my spooning partner.
Pat: I'm often spooned by Ryan and Chris. But yeah, I have to get up before Ryan starts humping me.
Ryan: He's got long hair and we're on tour so we haven't seen our girlfriends for a long time, so it gets kind of hot.
Ryan: Show them your hair.
Pat: <puts his hair down> Ready? This is like Revlon. <waves his head around so his hair sways>
Ryan: See, I'm all boned up.
<Pat gets up and sticks his ass in Ryan's face>

Ryan: Oh, that was terrible. He's got a sweet ass. Like a twelve year old girl's ass.
Pat: You guys want to see it?
Ryan: Not that I would-twelve year old-girl-fuck.
PZO: Ooooh! Can we say R. Kelly?

PZO: As a band, what is your main goal to accomplish that you haven't already?
Pat: To become millionaires, man.
PZO: Wait, wait. I mean something that WILL happen.
Everyone: Oooooooooh!

Ryan: Nice!
Pat: Okay, main goal that's actually going to happen.
Ryan: One of my main goals is to go to Japan. It's amazing.

<Pat and Ryan suddenly begin free styling. Pat rapping and Ryan and beat boxing>

PZO: What do you think of Streetlight Manifesto?
Ryan: What do I think about them?
PZO: Yeah, have you heard them?
Ryan: Yeah.
PZO: Do you like them?
Ryan: Yeah, it's alright. I really like the vocals. I think it's really good. I think the horns and the rest lack heart. The recording quality it's good. Overall it's a good record. I like it.
What's your real question? What do you really want to know?
PZO: That was it. If I wanted to ask you something else, I would have.
Ryan: <laughs> Okay.

PZO: What's your favorite infomercial?
Ryan: Juice man! That man has awesome eyebrows dude.
Pat: No, dude the fucking guy who sells the baseball cards. He used to have a mullet. He cut it.
Ryan: It's a toss up for me.
Pat: His mullet was amazing.
Ryan: The juice man gets so excited about his juicer. It's rejuvenating.
PZO: I can't stand Esteban. The guitar guy.
Ryan: Esteban? He's a douche bag. What's with those glasses?
PZO: I don't know, man. Maybe he's blind.
<Everyone starts talking about guitars and playing piano>

<Catch 22 educates us on their nerd jokes>

Pat: What's the next question? Wait, I already know. Where's your favorite place to get naked? The RV.
Ryan: Actually, I like the dressing room. That's my favorite place; when everybody is in there. Everyone is in awe.
<discussion of how Ryan burned his ass on a radiator goes on>

PZO: What's your favorite line from a movie?
Pat: How about from Fargo?
Ryan: The Big Lebowski?
Pat: You sure?
Ryan: I don't know.
PZO: Nevermind.
<Ian shows us the new nerd joke: sesame street>

PZO: What question would you like to be asked in an interview?
Pat: Do you want to get butt naked with me and party? If it's a hot girl that is, not a guy.
Ian: Not a dude.
PZO: What if it was a dude?
Ian: I'd say NO.
Ryan: Either way.
<Pat and Ryan begin answering in the Kermit the frog voice>
Pat: When is your record coming out?
Ryan: Our record already came out, dude.
PZO: It's pretty bad when you don't know when your own record came out.
Pat: Where are the white women at?
Ryan: What?
Pat: You suck. You are the worst interview partner ever. Everything I say you look at me like I'm from outer space.
PZO: I think everyone is.
Ryan: I'm sorry I didn't roll with it. Where are all the white chicks? Right.
Pat: I'm not doing an interview with you again.
Ryan: Well good, I'm not doing an interview with you again either.
PZO: <to Pat> It's your turn.
Pat: <to Ryan> I hate you.
Ryan: Well, I don't hate you.
PZO: Oh. He took the mature approach.
Ryan: Pass the beer.

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